If you have children who are struggling with unexpected behavior, I understand because I’ve been there. When you have to manage difficult behavior from a child that you love dearly, it can be daunting. I remember the feeling of frustration all to well, which is why I decided to write about the most effective ways to handle a difficult child. My hope is that it will help you create some form of peace and unity in your life.
Will this be difficult?
In the short term … absolutely!
Will it help you and get easier in time?
Goodness, yes!
I’ve specifically structured the actionable steps in a specific way so that you have time to check in with yourself and your child before managing each of the behaviors.
This article is coming to you from a teacher and parent’s perspective. However, it is specifically meant to help parents manage difficult behaviors. If you’re a teacher, please see the following article, How to Handle Difficult Behaviour in the Classroom.
Kindly note that the steps laid out in this article is not for everyone as every child is different and every parent has a different perspective and parenting style. Adapt these strategies to meet the needs of your particular child.
Our Story:
When I was pregnant with my second child, I had some complications and had to slow down drastically. Shortly after I gave birth, my baby became very sick, which meant that we were in and out of the hospital and I was up and taking care of him round the clock until he was well. During that time, my husband and other family members had to focus on my eldest son.
As there was so much of change in his life, he started picking up some negative attributes and acting out. We started seeing it at home but we didn’t realize the extent of it until we talked to his wonderful teachers. He wasn’t listening to his them, disrupting others, telling everyone what to do and not doing is own work, seeking praise for barely doing anything, and more.
YES! That was my child.
When I got that call, I knew that the teachers had most likely tried everything to help him and that it was my turn to step it up. So, we came up with a plan together and after spending some time reflecting, I typed up a detailed plan and emailed it to his teacher so that she would know what we’re working on and could include her thoughts as well.
In all honesty, we made quick but dramatic changes to our schedule. I felt like a hamster running on a treadmill because I was up all night with the baby and caring for him during the day. When my son was home, we focused on our plan, especially when my baby was taking naps. While it meant that I didn’t get a break, we saw a big change in my son’s behavior in a short period of time.
In order to help him, we implemented the following strategies. Again, please note that each child is different so you’ll need to adapt theses steps for their specific needs.
Actionable Steps:
#1. Be Open
As a teacher, I have had parents tell me that “my child is not like this at home” or “no other teacher has ever said this before.” Before saying that to a teacher, remember that home life is different from school life and so is a child’s behavior. Also, the child’s previous teacher more than likely had other circumstances and this was not as prevalent then.
Parents, please be open to listening to what the teacher has to say because making that call was more than likely, not easy for them. It’s not just one child that they’re looking after but 24-30+ children. That teacher has probably tried everything to help your child and it isn’t working, which is why they’re asking to talk to you.
I’d recommend taking notes. You don’t have to write down everything the teacher says and what they’re doing but make a note of things that you need to work on or ideas that come to mind so that you don’t forget them later. This will help you create a strategic growth plan for your child.
Being open, allowed us to really help our son. He was not just better academically, but happier when he went out, enjoyed being at home more, suddenly he had more friends. and started to bond with his brother.
#2. The Initial Talk
Check in with your child. See what they have to say about their behavior. There’s always a reason for it because It’s one way that your child is trying to get attention. Listen to what they have to say and watch their behavior in different circumstances before finalizing a plan.
If you have a partner or others who help care for your child, talk to them as well so that you’re all on the same page.
#3. Create the Plan
When creating your make sure everyone is on board. Use the following questions to guide your thought process.
- What are the behaviors that need to be corrected?
- Why are these behaviors arising?
- When did you first start to notice these behaviors?
- How can you create structure to manage the behavior?
- What do you need to say to your child to help them understand the issues and why you are implementing change?
- How can you manage your day to take these changes into consideration?
- How will you know when to ease up on these changes?
The best way to create this plan is to first divide your page in half and write down your answers to the first question. On the other side of it, create your action plan. For the other questions, use them as a way to reflect and discuss them with those involved so that you can implement the changes together.
When you discuss this with your child, make sure they know that you love them and that you are in their corner. Remind them that they aren’t in trouble but that you’re in their corner and that you want to help them.
I did this with my son and it wasn’t easy. Because he’s younger, we had this talk multiple times so that he knew that we were there to help him and that’s it.
#4. Follow Through
Once you’ve created the plan and everyone is in agreement, discuss it with your child and start immediately.
This won’t be easy.
I know first hand because we had to limit the amount of time my son was spending with loved ones to keep him home. We had to create structure in our day where we played, learned, did chores and then played again. He started cleaning up before bed instead of my husband and I having to do it for him. We also worked on how he treated people when he went out and expectations for school as well.
When we first started, my son did everything he could to push our boundaries. I had to get as much done during my baby’s nap time, which was only 30 minutes, so it was a struggle but we held strong and within a couple of days, everything calmed down as my son started to understand our new structure. Very quickly, the learning part took no more than 5 minutes. This ended up being our special time together. He enjoyed it so much so that he asked for it when I forgot about it. I started turning the lessons into games so that he had something to look forward to.
Your child may not like this in the beginning. That’s okay! You’re not there to be their friend but to guide their behavior so that they’re good citizens. Let your child know that it’s okay for them to be upset and remind them about why you’re doing this. Then provide them with a way to help them navigate through their big feelings. You can do it in the following ways.
The following is FREE. It will show you how to create the space. These resources can be found in my FREE RESOURCE LIBRARY.
The following is not free but is fairly inexpensive. It will not only help you create the space but it will also provide you with the tools to help your child manage their feelings and ways for you to keep track of their progress. I love these resources because I have used them at home and with my students.
#5. Evaluate
After some time, get everyone who is involved in this together and evaluate how everything has been going, if anything needs to change, and when can you ease up.
The first sign for us, was when our son started listening to his teachers in school and completed his work in a timely manner without bothering other children. When he started eating his food at school and at home, listened to us without everything being a mini showdown and when he was back to being friendly to others (he was naturally like this before I gave birth), we knew that we could ease up slowly.
What did this look like for us?
We could go out to eat once in a while, he could go to a party (he was getting invited again because his peers started to like him as he wasn’t “bossing” them anymore but was including them and playing with them), and we could go out on what I like to call, “adventures.”
#6. Cycle Back
If you implement the structure for long enough that it becomes a habit, you won’t need to visit this step often and you won’t stay on it for very long.
After a few months of my son doing really well, we noticed him pushing boundaries quite a bit again. We had to come back to our initial structure but not with the same intensity because we saw the signs early enough and was able to correct the behavior fairly quickly. It literally took us two days to turn his behavior around. We kept it going for a bit longer to create the habit again before we pulled back.
Recap:
Let’s recap really quickly. Today, we looked at the following:
- The reasons why it’s important to care for your child who is struggling with their behavior.
- My family’s background story with behavior issues.
- Six most effective ways to handle a difficult child: the initial talk, create the plan, follow through, evaluate, and cycle back.
Free Resources:
If your children are struggling to hand in assignments on time, check out the following video training: 3 Steps to Teach Children How to Overcome Procrastination to Increase Productivity.
Next Steps:
For calm down areas on a budget, for your students who have autism, CLICK HERE.
If you found this video beneficial, would you do me a favor? Share this with your family, your friends, your loved ones, your co-workers or someone who you think could benefit from this. Thank you!
I’ll see you next Friday at 5:30pm PST.
Until I see you next time, remember to create, experience & teach from the heart.
Take care,
Charlotte
Disclaimer: I’m a teacher and a parent. I’m not a medical professional, so please don’t take this as medical advice. The advice that I provide in my videos and online are strategies that I have used in my own class or at home that have worked beautifully. Since behavior problems range from child to child, make sure to adapt these strategies for your individual child. Thank you!
